The laundry with 5 people everyday always has a dirty pile, and even the goal of washing one load a day, getting it hung to dry, still means after drying it needs to be put away before there is another pile. The 2 one year olds babies eat at least 3 times a day, and always they leave a pile of crumbs to sweep up. There is always a neighbor, preschool mom, or college student that wants to talk. Then, there are meals to make, lessons to prepare, and quality time to spend with family. And it never all gets done. I felt like I kept spinning, but never getting anywhere. Just existing some days.
I thought I could get through each day on my own strength...I will myself to do it. I will have the cleanest house. I will be supermom. I will have the best marriage. I will read from the Bible each day. I will do it this and that. And I get by. Existing, but missing something. And my heart feels it. I felt this big hole, this disappointment. This feeling I am not getting anywhere really. I can't do it all, though it looks like it sometimes.
I started piling all these feelings on myself- feeling disappointed I was not doing a perfect job at it all. So I started prioritizing. Spend real time with God, spend quality time with my husband each evening praying and enjoying each other, giving real attention to my kids, loving our kids at preschool and Kids Club and their families one on one, giving my husband more time to minister at the Bible College. Then comes correspondence to supporters and friends, cleaning my house, preparing gourment pinterest meals. This helped, though, since my house and correspondence are last if you visit it is often messy and may take a few days for me to write you back.
But, still.....my heart hurt. I would hear news of a friend with advancing cancer or a friend deeply struggling through a divorce and betrayal. And i hurt and was filled with sorrow. And I felt so overwhelmed, even though right now my family has so many blessings. I felt so burdened by our hurting friends and all there is to do each day. I may seem close to it, but I am not having anxiety or overwhelmed...I just need to praise God.
I am spending more time choosing to not just daily read my Bible- but relying on Him. He knows we can get disappointed or feel burdened. Sometimes I think in quiet times at our house if I look at other statuses or e-mails, I am encouraged. And while sometimes I can be, other times I can get real discouraged. So now rather than dwelling on what I see going on around the world (not that I won't sometimes), I am dwelling on God's character and the hope He brings us. I was letting the pain and daily routine take away my joy and delight in Him.
"You are my God my stronghold,
Why have you rejected me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?
Send forth your light and your truth,
let them guide me.
Let them bring me to your holy mountain,
to the place where you dwell.
Then I will go to the altar of God,
to God, my joy and my delight,
Why are you so downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise Him."
-Ps 2-3; Ps 42:5